Preparing for Holiday Gatherings: Navigating Difficult Conversations

As the holiday season approaches, many of us find ourselves grappling with a mix of emotions. While there's excitement and joy in spending time with loved ones, there's also the potential for stress, particularly when navigating difficult conversations with family members. Here's a get-through-it-mini guide to help you approach these situations with space and grace this holiday season.

Maren’s Story: Setting Boundaries and Honoring Yourself

I was going to Indiana to visit my parents, which is a regular occurrence. My mom has Parkinson's, and I am grateful for every opportunity to soak up time with her and my dad. Besides helping with daily care, we incorporate fun, like golfing and playing cards. 

On this particular trip, my uncle was going to be there for a few days as well, and this was not happy news to me. My prediction on how the interactions with him were going to go was based on my childhood experiences. He was rough around the edges and often laughed by joking at other people’s expense, including telling sexist jokes. Degrading humor is not my style at all, but sexist jokes really hit home and sparked a hateful rage inside. 

I decided to prepare myself for the trip and focused on what I could control and how I wanted to show up. In the past, I struggled with knowing what to do when he delivered a hurtful joke since everyone else in my family would kindly laugh and brush it off. As an adult, I decided this wasn’t going to work for me any longer, but what could I do to confront the situation?

I imagined myself abruptly getting up and stomping out of the room as if to say, “I can’t tolerate you! You are so inappropriate!”  Although these feelings and messages felt true on some level, I wouldn’t be showing up as my authentic self. I am a kind person and want to honor this quality in myself. If I didn’t address the real offense, sexism, I would be letting myself down and the sisterhood of beautiful women around me, including my mom and daughter. 

I made a plan that upheld my values of honor and authenticity. It would take all the courage I could muster, so I played it out in my mind several times, especially when the fear of seeing him rose in my heart.  If he shared a demeaning or sexist joke while I was in the room, I was going to call him out by saying, “I deserve to be treated with respect. If you can’t do that, I will get up and leave.” Maybe he would be offended; maybe my parents would be offended. I decided to let that be theirs to hold. I no longer wanted to hold onto these offensive and insulting messages that infuriated me.

So when he arrived at my parent’s house, I set up a safe boundary outside of myself, as a way to honor the boundary I was setting inside of myself. I didn’t want to or need to shake his hand or hug him. It was a concrete way of standing my ground with the message, “That is him; this is me” 

It ended up that he never told any degrading jokes over those few days, so I didn’t have to implement my full plan. However, the important thing for me was that I knew how to honor myself. I gave myself permission to be empowered and safe. I noticed that I was kinder to him, more at ease around him, and finding myself enjoying the talks and card games. I didn’t have to continue to see him as a scary monster or an inappropriate bastard. I saw him with new eyes, created a new perception, a man with a heart that loved my mom and dad enough to drive 5 hours alone just because he missed them and valued each opportunity to connect. 

Steps for Navigating Difficult Conversations

Some of us might be struggling with the decision to see family this year, feeling guilty if we don’t, or potentially feeling a lot of heavy emotions if we do. Regardless, you do not have to do anything. Most importantly, honor yourself and your well-being. For those gathering with friends and family this year, here are some tips for navigating difficult conversations.

• Prepare Mentally: Acknowledge your feelings and anxieties beforehand. Understanding your triggers can help you respond rather than react in the moment. If there is a family member in mind, notice your perception of them. Review your values and how you want to show up: truthfully and authentically.

• Set Boundaries: It's okay to limit your time or avoid certain topics. Communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully.

• Practice Active Listening: Sometimes, tensions arise from misunderstandings. Try to listen without judgment and seek to understand others' perspectives with questions like, “I hear you. That is interesting how you feel that, how did you come to believe that?” Remember to take DEEP breaths to regulate your nervous system.

• Use "I" Statements: When expressing your thoughts or feelings, frame them as "I feel..." rather than "You always..." This can reduce defensiveness in others.

• Have an Exit Strategy: Plan some polite ways to excuse yourself if a conversation becomes too heated or uncomfortable.

• Focus on Common Ground: Try to steer conversations towards shared interests or positive memories to foster connection.

• Practice Self-Care: Ensure you're taking care of yourself before, during, and after potentially stressful gatherings. Getting out in nature, limiting screen time, or resting.

Honoring Your Values and Boundaries this Holiday Season

Remember, it's okay to prioritize your well-being. With some preparation and mindfulness, you can navigate holiday interactions with more confidence and less dread. If you are struggling this holiday season, we are here to support you on your journey — personally and professionally.

For leadership coaching, schedule a free consultation call with us. For counseling support for family conflict, stress, or difficult times, contact Maren to schedule a session.