When I worked as social services director in a nursing home, I had a co-worker on the leadership team that clashed with me. She was the director of physical therapy and in my mind, we should have been able to get along. She appeared to have a gentle, unassuming demeanor and did her job as a manager and physical therapist well. We even talked about some commonalities in our faith, but with all of that, we had very differing views on how to approach residents and families.

I was passionate about my role of being an advocate for residents in their self determination around care. I promoted their voice and desires, even if that meant them not choosing services or recommended therapy. From my perspective, this care team co-worker pushed PT onto them, appeasing the families and making the facility money. And, once again from my perspective, she pushed over me and my advocacy to no avail.

One day, I broke down and found myself in my office sobbing. This was completely out of character for me, only crying maybe 2 times per year. I was angry, agitated, upset, dismayed, and feeling helpless to do my job well. My fellow social worker came in to comfort me and I couldn’t even stay still or receive her compassion and encouragement. My heart was exhausted and my body was in an adrenaline rush. I was experiencing a trigger!

Maybe you can relate to this experience in some way or another. Maybe you’ve felt that you’ve been undermined or even defeated at doing your job well. Or maybe you have that one person who grates on you the wrong way.

I’m here to share an easy strategy that helps you,

Take care of yourself…

&

Continue to show up to do your job well

The steps are:

Take a break
Get clear
Move forward

Take a break

This means putting the inner brakes on when you feel the energy and activation flood in, or even sooner if possible. Step away; go to a safe, private place, and invite some simple self care.

Cry, or scream, or emote as needed
Take some slow deep breaths, counting to 6 on inhale and 6 on exhale. (This is so effective but often our mind dismisses it because of its simplicity) This gives our thinking mind something to concentrate on and signals our body to move out of flight/fight/freeze.
Physically move. This honors the fact that your body is being pumped with adrenaline. LIterally shaking, taking a brisk walk, or gently hopping reduces stress.
Do something to bring yourself comfort and connection. I often put my hand over my heart and simply feel the warmth and slight pressure of touch. Tapping your legs in a rhythm is also a way to engage your thinking brain and build connection with yourself.

Note: when we are triggered and go into fight/flight/freeze, we are experiencing disconnection and our inner alarm of not being safe is going off. This can happen in real danger, of course, but often happens outside of real danger. Doing things that signal safety and connection with yourself or another, calms down that alarm in our brains.

Get clear on your inner experience

This means simply noticing and being curious about what you are feeling, thinking, predicting, and remembering.

Feeling - You can ask yourself, “when I experience ________, I feel _________.” Keep this factual and remember to use feeling words. EX. When I experience my co-worker speaking over me, I feel belittled, ineffective, and disappointed in myself.
Thinking - What inner messages am I hearing inside about myself, the other person, and our relationship? These are the stories that we make up, and often they are based on limited facts and many assumptions. Be raw and honest with yourself on these. Here’s some examples:

Myself - I’m a bad worker and advocate. I can’t do this job anymore.
Other - She’s so mean and rude. I bet her own family can’t stand her.
Us - We’ll never get along. I can’t imagine a worse co- worker!

Predicting - This is how our minds try to keep us safe by imagining the future and what will happen. This is a useful skill in general, but can get us into trouble when we go to absolutes and worst case scenarios. If we can be aware of this normal way of thinking, we can bring in curiosity and return to the moment. Here’s some examples:

This type of pushing over me is never going to stop. I bet the next family we need to talk with will be swayed by her again. And that means I’ll be in this mess over and over. I’m stuck in this dynamic forever!
If I can recognize these thoughts, I can interrupt them with curiosity, and I do this by telling myself, Hmmmm…maybe….
Then I bring myself back to the current moment and notice that I am safe, I am taking care of myself, I am choosing self kindness, and I can ask for help.
I can then also imagine things going differently, like me staying strong for the resident and having my voice heard.

Remembering - This is an additional step of noticing my inner experience to gain further clarity on what is showing up for me around this experience. Because of prediction, our pasts continually show up in the moments of our lives, even if we don’t recognize them consciously. And, they often show up as emotional memories, which means the emotion is at the surface but the specific memory is not.

To open space for this clarity, I expand upon the curious question above, “when I experience_____, I feel ______, and this reminds me of _____.” Then I pause and notice if a memory emerges. I work hard at simply letting it be what it is, without judging if it logically makes sense or not. Here’s an example:

When I experience my co-worker speaking over me, I feel belittled, ineffective, and disappointed in myself, and that reminds me of getting in trouble as a teenager and not having the opportunity to share my side of the story.

Move forward

With that insight and understanding, you are better positioned to tend to your heart and make some decisions on how to take action.

Tending your heart is simply comforting and encouraging yourself. This is wonderful when we can get this from someone else, but it is so empowering when we realize that we can offer this to ourselves!

I often imagine what I would say or do to my child if they were struggling with those same feelings of disappointment and not enoughness, and then I speak those into me.
(Name), you are doing the best that you can and your intention is to be a kind human. You often weren’t heard as a child in your family, but now you are an adult and you can stand up for yourself and others. You are worthy of respect and understanding and being heard. You are enough!

Taking action
- Recognize you have a choice to forgive. This doesn’t mean that you don’t address the situation and it doesn’t mean that what you experienced was Okay. It simply means that I don’t need to hold a grudge against the other person in order to be okay. Judgment and bitterness takes up too much of my energy that I want to utilize for my empowerment.
- Explore your options for shifting things. I like to think of as many options as possible, even if I know I wouldn’t do that. This gives me permission to acknowledge the uglier side of things that I feel and think, and increases my sense of empowerment. For example, I may say that quitting my job is an option, even if I’m not ready to do that right now. I may also acknowledge that reporting her to our boss is an option, but I wouldn’t do that now because it feels like giving away my power.
- Decide which option feels most authentic and empowering, and then give it a try! I have learned to reframe this decision away from making the “right choice” into making the “best choice” at this time with what I know right now. This way I stay in a mindset of kindness to myself and it opens up space for noticing how following through feels to me.

In this scenario, I list my choices of:

Do nothing - turning away
Tell our boss about her behavior - turning away and against
Gossip - turning against
Avoid her - turning away
Be extra nice to her whenever possible - people pleasing
Schedule a meeting with her privately to see if we can collaborate - turning towards her and myself
Prepare myself for the next time so I can stay in my empowerment - turning towards myself and her when the time comes

This could look like using my prediction to imagine me stepping back into the conversation with the family, acknowledging that I have a different perspective, and keeping my voice of advocacy throughout the conversation.

This works best in the midst of a team who is also owning their inner environment and is willing to make safe connections within collaboration.

So, here are the steps! I’ve tried to make them doable and relatable, but simple doesn’t mean that it is easy to execute. That takes practice and lots of self compassion along the journey.

But you can do it, and you are worth it!

If you’d like to process your specific triggers or situations, at home or at work, reach out to Simon or I!

If you are interested in learning more about how we can help, set up a time to chat with us….

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